Does my Wife REALLY Care if I Cheat?

I wonder if my wife even cares if I cheat.  She says she cares.  She says she'd leave me if I so much as touched another girl.  She acts jealous when she doesn't know where I've been but I think it's all a show.  I actually think my wife would like it if I cheated.

She's in the mood for sex once every two months.  We have sex more often than that but I think those other times she's just trying to "keep me happy."  Once every two months she approaches me with the idea of sex and we have a really fun time.  The other few times we have sex it's mechanical on her behalf and she really just wants to lie there.

If I was cheating on her and having sex regularly with someone else she wouldn't have to be bothered to have sex with me unless she really wanted to.  The rest of the time she could just talk to me and do whatever it is women want to do other than have sex.  She wouldn't feel guilty that I wasn't "satisfied" and she wouldn't have to put up with my dong.

This is too logical to actually happen.  I'm hers, she doesn't want to share me, blah blah blah.

What Counts as Cheating in a Marriage?

So, how do you define cheating when you're married?  Is it sex?  Is it kissing?  Is it emotional intent?  I want to talk about each possibility but first I will give you the answer to what cheating is:  

If you have to ask, it's cheating.  Well, more accurately if your spouse thinks it's cheating, then it's cheating.

If you think you cheated because you held hands with another girl then you cheated.  If you think you didn't cheat because all you did was kiss, then move on to step two.  If my wife found out about me trying to sleep around on her, she'd consider that cheating.  Personally I don't think it's cheating unless I'm touching a girl in a way I wouldn't do in front of my own wife.

Is Sex Cheating? Seems an obvious, "yes" but I know a person or two who thinks sex isn't cheating if it's purely physical and there's no emotional connection.  These are the people I need to spend more time with.

Is Oral Sex Cheating? If it's good enough for Clinton, it's good enough for me.  Putting your junk in someone else's mouth or worse, licking another woman's privates is pretty personal.  Some would probably think this was a deeper connection than simple sex.

Is Kissing Cheating?  Ever date a girl who thinks that kissing is only for people who are in love and will let you sleep with her but not kiss her?  I have.  She was insane.  Some people think very highly of kissing.  To me kissing is cheating because I wouldn't do it in front of my wife.

Is Flirting Cheating? I say no, flirting is fun unless you're planning on going further.  I flirt with girls in front of my wife, it only makes her have sex with me to "keep me close."  

Is Falling in Love Cheating?  Since getting married I've met plenty of girls who I think "if I had met them first, they'd be the one."  I'm not leaving my wife for them and they're not the kind of girls I'd try to have an affair with but I've had some pretty serious obsessions with girls who are not my wife.  This is probably the scariest type of cheating to a woman.  If I get drunk and sleep with some slut my wife would be pissed but she would think I still loved her, if I fell for another woman even without touching her... woo.

Casual Sex? Never Heard of It.

I watch CNN and I'm shocked at the things I didn't know existed.  Turns out there are millions of people having sex with no strings attached.  According to the news:

• At least half of the employees at any given office are having affairs.
• Teens sleep with anyone who texts them the word "sex?" Or at least will e-mail you a naked photo if you ask.
• If you go out to a club you're going to go home with someone.
• Every celebrity will have sex with anyone, no questions asked.  This goes double for Lindsay Lohan.

From what I have gathered in my life, this is all baloney.  Who are these people?

It's possible I've been oblivious but I've worked in offices for years and not seen anyone sleeping with or even dating anyone else in the office.  Certainly no one has ever slept with me while on the clock.  I've heard of people hooking up with co-workers but it can't be nearly as prevalent as the news would like to suggest.

I worked with teens not so long ago.  You'd think if they were all hyper-sexed they'd try something with me.  No, never.  Most teens are as confused and nervous about sex as I was when I was a teen.  There's been no serious shift in culture.  There are slutty teens like when I was a kid but most are terrified and have no idea what's going on.

I've been to dozens of clubs and I've at most made out with a few girls.  Maybe I've gone home with a couple but almost all say the same thing, "I don't have casual sex."  Now it's possible I'm not persuasive enough or pushy enough but you'd think more than one or two would have put out.  

As for celebrities I have no way of knowing.  Despite living in Southern Cali I don't run into many.  So that last one might be true.

This rash of casual sex going on in the world seems to be a made up phenomenon.  People have sex but they like to have some sort of connection.  The girls I've managed to have actual one night stands with were all girls I'd probably have dated if I had met them in different contexts.  We all had connections.  

Now it's possible I hang out with the wrong crowd and there are a billion girls who have no problems opening their legs for you.  Maybe a few of them can e-mail me... because everyone I meet would like to talk, go out and get to know each other before sex and as a man with a wife and a kid that ain't going to happen.

Funky Seminar Girl

Let me tell you a story.  I met this girl at a long work seminar thing I was doing recently.  We spent the eight weeks flirting and squeezing each other when it would be "funny."  I'd say it was flirting but if a girl was doing this to me in a bar I'd have her in the back seat of my car 15 minutes later.

The people at the seminar knew I was married so I couldn't do anything with her while the seminar was going on.  Too many people think it's their duty to report on you and I'm too paranoid to risk it.

Sometimes I see a girl and I think to myself, "My lord, why can't I sleep with her?"  This is not the case with Funky Seminar Girl.  She's all tattooed and pierced up.  I got no problem with either but I have yet to find them attractive.  I guess my real thing is going for the good girl that I can corrupt.  This girl is already corrupted.  She's in an "open relationship" and doesn't care if someone else is married or whatever.  Sex is just sex to her.  She doesn't want to be seen as a home wrecker but if no one knows, she couldn't care less.

So what if she's not the most attractive girl in the world?  She's crazy and as we all know sex quality is directly proportional to craziness.

I'm ready to make my move on this girl.  We've been e-mailing ever since the seminar ended and talking about dirty stuff.  She's ready to go.  All I need is a time to get away from my wife.

Problem is, my wife is working at home for the next few weeks.  Are you kidding me?  Who timed this?

How am I supposed to sneak out and cheat on my wife when we're both working from home.  I can't just get up and go without an explanation.  She knows I have nowhere to go and nothing to do.

How do I hit this?  Can I pretend that I was unconscious in a ditch for an evening?