Irony

I must be psychic or my wife must read this blog.  After posting about reading her e-mails/texts/whatever to stop your wife from cheating. My wife picks up my phone and starts reading my texts.

Of course she found one from a girl I know and determined it "flirty."  Now I did flirt with this girl but not on those texts.  My wife is so paranoid that a few simple texts talking about work could be interpreted as "flirting."

But it worked, I have to step up my security around trying to cheat on her.  Bitch.

Stop Your Wife from Cheating

How do I stop my wife from cheating?

I'm a complete hypocrite.  I want to cheat on my wife as much as possible but if my wife cheats I'll be super-pissed and never forgive her.  Is this sexist?  Is this wrong?  Probably, but I don't care.

Also by exploring how I can prevent my wife from cheating I can think of how to cheat on her even more effectively.

The first step is to be super-paranoid.  My wife already does this.  Always ask where she's been, ask about her day, ask for details.  Don't be happy with "I went to the supermarket."  Ask which one, did you see anything good on sale?  If she says she went to drinks with friends ask which friends, ask specifics about each friend, what they all had to drink.   Ask lots of "why" questions.  Be creative but be probing.  My wife is a decent liar but there's no way she can come up with that amount of info in a hurry.  Even more importantly if she knows she'll get these sorts of questions from me regularly she'd better know I'll figure out when something's fishy.

The next step is to invite yourself along places.  If your wife says she's going out with friends say you'd love to go.  Even if you don't end up going it'll freak her out to no end if she's planning something sneaky.

On that note randomly show up at her place of work.  I saw that one on True Lies.  You can bring her lunch or whatever, just do it without warning.

Regularly ask to borrow her cell phone, use her computer or send something from her e-mail address.  In the year 2009 these are the most likely ways she's going to arrange an affair.  If she knows her cell phone and computers aren't safe to communicate with another guy then she's going to have a much harder time coming up with ways to cheat.

This list isn't extensive and it's not a list of how to catch your wife cheating.  That's another list I'll talk about later.  This list is to stop your wife from cheating in the first place.  If you make her paranoid enough you'll be able to stop some of her wandering.  If she doesn't care if she gets caught then you're screwed, but this will stop the sneaking around.

Does my Wife REALLY Care if I Cheat?

I wonder if my wife even cares if I cheat.  She says she cares.  She says she'd leave me if I so much as touched another girl.  She acts jealous when she doesn't know where I've been but I think it's all a show.  I actually think my wife would like it if I cheated.

She's in the mood for sex once every two months.  We have sex more often than that but I think those other times she's just trying to "keep me happy."  Once every two months she approaches me with the idea of sex and we have a really fun time.  The other few times we have sex it's mechanical on her behalf and she really just wants to lie there.

If I was cheating on her and having sex regularly with someone else she wouldn't have to be bothered to have sex with me unless she really wanted to.  The rest of the time she could just talk to me and do whatever it is women want to do other than have sex.  She wouldn't feel guilty that I wasn't "satisfied" and she wouldn't have to put up with my dong.

This is too logical to actually happen.  I'm hers, she doesn't want to share me, blah blah blah.

What Counts as Cheating in a Marriage?

So, how do you define cheating when you're married?  Is it sex?  Is it kissing?  Is it emotional intent?  I want to talk about each possibility but first I will give you the answer to what cheating is:  

If you have to ask, it's cheating.  Well, more accurately if your spouse thinks it's cheating, then it's cheating.

If you think you cheated because you held hands with another girl then you cheated.  If you think you didn't cheat because all you did was kiss, then move on to step two.  If my wife found out about me trying to sleep around on her, she'd consider that cheating.  Personally I don't think it's cheating unless I'm touching a girl in a way I wouldn't do in front of my own wife.

Is Sex Cheating? Seems an obvious, "yes" but I know a person or two who thinks sex isn't cheating if it's purely physical and there's no emotional connection.  These are the people I need to spend more time with.

Is Oral Sex Cheating? If it's good enough for Clinton, it's good enough for me.  Putting your junk in someone else's mouth or worse, licking another woman's privates is pretty personal.  Some would probably think this was a deeper connection than simple sex.

Is Kissing Cheating?  Ever date a girl who thinks that kissing is only for people who are in love and will let you sleep with her but not kiss her?  I have.  She was insane.  Some people think very highly of kissing.  To me kissing is cheating because I wouldn't do it in front of my wife.

Is Flirting Cheating? I say no, flirting is fun unless you're planning on going further.  I flirt with girls in front of my wife, it only makes her have sex with me to "keep me close."  

Is Falling in Love Cheating?  Since getting married I've met plenty of girls who I think "if I had met them first, they'd be the one."  I'm not leaving my wife for them and they're not the kind of girls I'd try to have an affair with but I've had some pretty serious obsessions with girls who are not my wife.  This is probably the scariest type of cheating to a woman.  If I get drunk and sleep with some slut my wife would be pissed but she would think I still loved her, if I fell for another woman even without touching her... woo.

Casual Sex? Never Heard of It.

I watch CNN and I'm shocked at the things I didn't know existed.  Turns out there are millions of people having sex with no strings attached.  According to the news:

• At least half of the employees at any given office are having affairs.
• Teens sleep with anyone who texts them the word "sex?" Or at least will e-mail you a naked photo if you ask.
• If you go out to a club you're going to go home with someone.
• Every celebrity will have sex with anyone, no questions asked.  This goes double for Lindsay Lohan.

From what I have gathered in my life, this is all baloney.  Who are these people?

It's possible I've been oblivious but I've worked in offices for years and not seen anyone sleeping with or even dating anyone else in the office.  Certainly no one has ever slept with me while on the clock.  I've heard of people hooking up with co-workers but it can't be nearly as prevalent as the news would like to suggest.

I worked with teens not so long ago.  You'd think if they were all hyper-sexed they'd try something with me.  No, never.  Most teens are as confused and nervous about sex as I was when I was a teen.  There's been no serious shift in culture.  There are slutty teens like when I was a kid but most are terrified and have no idea what's going on.

I've been to dozens of clubs and I've at most made out with a few girls.  Maybe I've gone home with a couple but almost all say the same thing, "I don't have casual sex."  Now it's possible I'm not persuasive enough or pushy enough but you'd think more than one or two would have put out.  

As for celebrities I have no way of knowing.  Despite living in Southern Cali I don't run into many.  So that last one might be true.

This rash of casual sex going on in the world seems to be a made up phenomenon.  People have sex but they like to have some sort of connection.  The girls I've managed to have actual one night stands with were all girls I'd probably have dated if I had met them in different contexts.  We all had connections.  

Now it's possible I hang out with the wrong crowd and there are a billion girls who have no problems opening their legs for you.  Maybe a few of them can e-mail me... because everyone I meet would like to talk, go out and get to know each other before sex and as a man with a wife and a kid that ain't going to happen.

Funky Seminar Girl

Let me tell you a story.  I met this girl at a long work seminar thing I was doing recently.  We spent the eight weeks flirting and squeezing each other when it would be "funny."  I'd say it was flirting but if a girl was doing this to me in a bar I'd have her in the back seat of my car 15 minutes later.

The people at the seminar knew I was married so I couldn't do anything with her while the seminar was going on.  Too many people think it's their duty to report on you and I'm too paranoid to risk it.

Sometimes I see a girl and I think to myself, "My lord, why can't I sleep with her?"  This is not the case with Funky Seminar Girl.  She's all tattooed and pierced up.  I got no problem with either but I have yet to find them attractive.  I guess my real thing is going for the good girl that I can corrupt.  This girl is already corrupted.  She's in an "open relationship" and doesn't care if someone else is married or whatever.  Sex is just sex to her.  She doesn't want to be seen as a home wrecker but if no one knows, she couldn't care less.

So what if she's not the most attractive girl in the world?  She's crazy and as we all know sex quality is directly proportional to craziness.

I'm ready to make my move on this girl.  We've been e-mailing ever since the seminar ended and talking about dirty stuff.  She's ready to go.  All I need is a time to get away from my wife.

Problem is, my wife is working at home for the next few weeks.  Are you kidding me?  Who timed this?

How am I supposed to sneak out and cheat on my wife when we're both working from home.  I can't just get up and go without an explanation.  She knows I have nowhere to go and nothing to do.

How do I hit this?  Can I pretend that I was unconscious in a ditch for an evening?

To Pursue Married Women?

This is a big issue I'm facing early in my cheating goals.  Should I pursue married women?

I've heard it argued that you don't want to have an affair with a woman who is single because she has nothing to lose.  A married woman (or at least a woman in a serious relationship) probably fears losing her relationship as much as I do.  She'd be OK with the "only sex" part of an affair I wouldn't have to lie to her.  We'd be in the same boat.

There are obvious challenges to sleeping with a married woman.  The first is that she might just be the flirty type and have no actual interest.  Some women think since they're married guys will assume any flirting or sexual innuendos are innocent.  This is the problem with one of my next door neighbors.  She's got an amazing body and is hot as hell.  We flirt and make jokes with each other when no one's around but she's the buttoned up type and might just be doing this because she feels "safe."  I don't want to move (or have to think of an excuse to tell my wife as to why we're moving) so I hesitate to try anything with her for fear that it might backfire.

Another problem is she, and one of the other handful of married women I know who might want to sleep with me, have husbands and that doubles the number of people I have to fool.  This is especially true if these are people I have to see in social circumstances.

The obvious solution is to not sleep with anyone my wife knows, but my wife has some pretty hot friends.  I guess I'll have to tread lightly with her friends and I can be a little more bold with the ones she doesn't know.

Is this for Real?

Let me assure you, this is completely for real.  I will be cheating on my wife as much as possible and writing about it.

This is not a site of a guy writing fantasy porn.  This is my real life.  No, I won't post my picture on here or post anything specific enough to get caught.  

And if you're wondering I've already cheated "enough" to get my wife to divorce me if she ever catches me.  I spent a lovely evening drunk out of my mind making out with a former co-worker.  We rubbed, we licked and sucked but pants stayed on.  That's enough for her to leave me, but not enough for me.  

Why Do I Want to Cheat on My Wife?

Let's get this out of the way first.  I imagine this will be the most common question people will be asking me as they read this blog over the coming months/years.  Why?

Reason 1: Because I can.  I'm a guy and guys like sex.  Guys like sex with hot, young women who are not their wives.  This makes me an asshole, but I'm cool with that.  I'm young and a good looking man.  I have to get it while it's good.

Reason 2: 75lbs.  This is the approximate amount of weight my wife has gained since we got married.  The amount of sex has declined as her weight has increased.  Yuck.

Reason 3: It beats getting divorced.  I have kids, I have car payments and whatever else my wife has managed to spend money on.  I like the kids, I like the car and I don't want my life to turn to shit just because I want to be single.  Trust me, being single sucks.  You rarely get laid, you have to take women out on dates... that blows.  When women know I'm married they have to accept it's only about sex or just be disappointed.

Didn't I read somewhere that 50% of spouses cheat?  That means if I'm not cheating my wife will.

Those three reasons compounded quickly.  You probably won't find an single one of them acceptable as a reason to cheat.  Well, screw you.  It's my blog and not yours.

My Mission Statement

This is the the primary goal of this website: To document me cheating on my wife.

I hope you'll enjoy as I cheat on my wife and attempt not to get caught. I'll write about girls I'm trying to sleep with, girls I am sleeping with, my wife's suspicions (or lack thereof) and my general thoughts on cheating.

Subscribe to this sucker as it's going to be a hell of a fun read.