Casual Sex? Never Heard of It.

I watch CNN and I'm shocked at the things I didn't know existed.  Turns out there are millions of people having sex with no strings attached.  According to the news:

• At least half of the employees at any given office are having affairs.
• Teens sleep with anyone who texts them the word "sex?" Or at least will e-mail you a naked photo if you ask.
• If you go out to a club you're going to go home with someone.
• Every celebrity will have sex with anyone, no questions asked.  This goes double for Lindsay Lohan.

From what I have gathered in my life, this is all baloney.  Who are these people?

It's possible I've been oblivious but I've worked in offices for years and not seen anyone sleeping with or even dating anyone else in the office.  Certainly no one has ever slept with me while on the clock.  I've heard of people hooking up with co-workers but it can't be nearly as prevalent as the news would like to suggest.

I worked with teens not so long ago.  You'd think if they were all hyper-sexed they'd try something with me.  No, never.  Most teens are as confused and nervous about sex as I was when I was a teen.  There's been no serious shift in culture.  There are slutty teens like when I was a kid but most are terrified and have no idea what's going on.

I've been to dozens of clubs and I've at most made out with a few girls.  Maybe I've gone home with a couple but almost all say the same thing, "I don't have casual sex."  Now it's possible I'm not persuasive enough or pushy enough but you'd think more than one or two would have put out.  

As for celebrities I have no way of knowing.  Despite living in Southern Cali I don't run into many.  So that last one might be true.

This rash of casual sex going on in the world seems to be a made up phenomenon.  People have sex but they like to have some sort of connection.  The girls I've managed to have actual one night stands with were all girls I'd probably have dated if I had met them in different contexts.  We all had connections.  

Now it's possible I hang out with the wrong crowd and there are a billion girls who have no problems opening their legs for you.  Maybe a few of them can e-mail me... because everyone I meet would like to talk, go out and get to know each other before sex and as a man with a wife and a kid that ain't going to happen.

Funky Seminar Girl

Let me tell you a story.  I met this girl at a long work seminar thing I was doing recently.  We spent the eight weeks flirting and squeezing each other when it would be "funny."  I'd say it was flirting but if a girl was doing this to me in a bar I'd have her in the back seat of my car 15 minutes later.

The people at the seminar knew I was married so I couldn't do anything with her while the seminar was going on.  Too many people think it's their duty to report on you and I'm too paranoid to risk it.

Sometimes I see a girl and I think to myself, "My lord, why can't I sleep with her?"  This is not the case with Funky Seminar Girl.  She's all tattooed and pierced up.  I got no problem with either but I have yet to find them attractive.  I guess my real thing is going for the good girl that I can corrupt.  This girl is already corrupted.  She's in an "open relationship" and doesn't care if someone else is married or whatever.  Sex is just sex to her.  She doesn't want to be seen as a home wrecker but if no one knows, she couldn't care less.

So what if she's not the most attractive girl in the world?  She's crazy and as we all know sex quality is directly proportional to craziness.

I'm ready to make my move on this girl.  We've been e-mailing ever since the seminar ended and talking about dirty stuff.  She's ready to go.  All I need is a time to get away from my wife.

Problem is, my wife is working at home for the next few weeks.  Are you kidding me?  Who timed this?

How am I supposed to sneak out and cheat on my wife when we're both working from home.  I can't just get up and go without an explanation.  She knows I have nowhere to go and nothing to do.

How do I hit this?  Can I pretend that I was unconscious in a ditch for an evening?

To Pursue Married Women?

This is a big issue I'm facing early in my cheating goals.  Should I pursue married women?

I've heard it argued that you don't want to have an affair with a woman who is single because she has nothing to lose.  A married woman (or at least a woman in a serious relationship) probably fears losing her relationship as much as I do.  She'd be OK with the "only sex" part of an affair I wouldn't have to lie to her.  We'd be in the same boat.

There are obvious challenges to sleeping with a married woman.  The first is that she might just be the flirty type and have no actual interest.  Some women think since they're married guys will assume any flirting or sexual innuendos are innocent.  This is the problem with one of my next door neighbors.  She's got an amazing body and is hot as hell.  We flirt and make jokes with each other when no one's around but she's the buttoned up type and might just be doing this because she feels "safe."  I don't want to move (or have to think of an excuse to tell my wife as to why we're moving) so I hesitate to try anything with her for fear that it might backfire.

Another problem is she, and one of the other handful of married women I know who might want to sleep with me, have husbands and that doubles the number of people I have to fool.  This is especially true if these are people I have to see in social circumstances.

The obvious solution is to not sleep with anyone my wife knows, but my wife has some pretty hot friends.  I guess I'll have to tread lightly with her friends and I can be a little more bold with the ones she doesn't know.