Friday, February 3, 2012

Tools of the Cheater: Evidence to the Contrary

This is a simple one but often overlooked.

OK, so you're having an affair (or at least sneaking around behind your wife/husband's back). Good for you! The most obvious advice is to not leave any evidence of your cheating.

If you say you're going away to a conference only to hook up with your sweetie in a hotel room in St. Paul, that's fine. Only an idiot would come home with videos on their phone of the amazing sex they've been having. Don't leave directions to your girlfriend's apartment in your glove box. Stuff like that is stupid and I shouldn't even have to mention it.

I'd like to suggest leaving evidence to the contrary. This would be evidence that you're actually telling the truth about what you were doing. There are two kinds of this.

1) Fake evidence. If you said you were going to a conference then make sure you come home with stuff from the conference. Make some if you have to. If not just show up and steal a flier or two. Don't go home waving them in your wife's face but just put them in a pocket. Let it be super natural. That way if they start snooping they'll just find the stuff you planeted.

2) Real evidence when you're not cheating. If you went hunting with the boys, keep some evidence in your bag. Something really obvious. This sounds silly but if she's snooping and finds you're telling the truth when she's suspicious then she'll be less suspicious when you have no evidence either way.

Here's what I do. When I'm eating lunch alone I'll make sure I have a receipt in my wallet. That way when I take a girl out and nothing shows up she doesn't get suspicious because she saw the receipt the last time.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

So much time so little vagina...

Suddenly I find myself with all the time in the world but no way to meet chicks. I'm working out of my home office on a big project. This means I've got hours of alone time a day, an excuse not to check my phone/e-mail/IMs for large amounts of time (I was working baby) but no one to play with since I'm not out meeting people.

There is this one chick who just got out of a serious relationship. She wanted to hook up while she was in the last stages of the relationship (which never happened for a variety of reasons). Now she's dodging me. Come on bitch, you're single now! Have some of my married cock.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Where, Oh Where to Have an Affair?

I feel like rhyming today. I'd also like to discuss the best location to have an affair. Remember, every detail of your affair has to be taken care of or you'll get caught. If you don't care about getting caught then just bone the chick in front of your wife, try to arrange a three-way. But for the rest of us...

Hotel: Let's start with the classic. I don't know about you but I've yet to register at a hotel that doesn't as for a credit card for "incidentals" or require some kind of photo ID. Sure, you might want to treat your lady to a class night out but it's going to be tough to explain this to your wife. If you're out of town anyway then this is ideal. Hotels are anonymous, no one cares who's coming and going.

Cheap Motel: Cheap motels just aren't as cheap as they used to be. Unless you're looking to score some crystal you should be a little bit more careful where you plop down your fifty bucks. These guys are more likely to take cash and not care who you are but you still have to be somewhat picky. Also your broad (or dude) may not like going to such a crappy place.

The Office: Step into my office and shut the door behind you. Bow chicka bow wow. This obviously goes for boning ladies at work (for a later post) but you're very likely to get caught. Very very likely. Unless you have lots of overlap in your work/real life friends this will probably never get back to your other. Work people generally accept that you have a work life and a home life and they don't need to overlap. That said, there could always be some jerk who makes it their business to screw you over.

Their House: If they're single, this is an easy one. This is especially true if they don't have a roommate. Go over and bone away. The neighbors might get annoyed at all the noise you're making but unless you get busted by the cops this is a no-lose. The only thing to watch out for is if she starts to get the wrong idea. If you start spending nights, you start leaving crap over there she might start to think you're in a real relationship. Then she might take it in her own hands to alert the wife... danger. If they're married than you're running into the same dangers as if they come to your place but the risk is on them, not you.

A Friend's Place: Sure, if you've got a friend who really doesn't give a crap about you cheating. Personally I don't let my friends know about any of this because they like my wife. If I had any "dude friends" who didn't like her at all or were cheaters themselves I might take them up on using their place but it's risky and tough to pull off.

A Secret Apartment You Only Use for Having an Affair: Who has this kind of money? If you're this rich than how about letting me use your place when you're not? C'mon, we can be buddies.

Your Place: This is the last choice. The absolute final and last choice. Nothing good can come of this (except for the sex). Your partner in cheating will want to snoop, they might see photos of you smiling with your kids and they might leave evidence. Heck, your neighbors might see them coming/going and tell your spouse. You know the cliche about the husband coming home from work early to find his wife in bed with the milkman? It's a cliche for a reason.

So each place has their pluses/minuses. Their place, if they're single, is the best choice. If they're married you can still use their place, just know the risk is on them. The times I've hooked up with other girls have been at their place. One was married and one was not. We weren't having long-term affairs but it worked out well.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

The Simplest Mistake You Can Make When Having an Affair Online

It'd be easy to make this mistake as I almost just made it myself: copying/pasting something incriminating and leaving it to be pasted again. 


I'm copying the line, "My wife is a horrible bitch, I want to bang another girl on her robe." From one e-mail to a hot chick to an e-mail to a less hot chick. I copy/paste and close my computer. My wife uses the computer an hour later and thinks she's pasting something into another e-mail to her boss and that line pops up. Oops. 

Solution: After you copy/paste anything incriminating just select something simple like a period or the word "the" and copy that. 

Monday, November 28, 2011

If you find this site because you're looking to cheat on your husband

And you live in Los Angeles (and you're not completely ugly or old) send me an e-mail at:

It'd be real fun to sleep with someone I meet because of this site.

The Onion Knows All About your Sad Attempts at Having an Affair,26730/

It's funny because it's true.

Tools for Having an Affair: Encrypted Mode on your Browser

I'm a big fan of the internet. While I can't use dating sites to conduct my affairs there's always Craigslist, internet forums and Facebook to find potential ladies. I'll go into e-mail addresses and how to use Facebook without getting caught in a future post but for now, let's just stick with the basics... not letting your wife/husband find out about the fact that you're visiting these sites in the first place.

If you're using Google Chrome (like me) then click on the wrench on the top right of your screen and chose "New Incognito Window." Boom, you're no longer recording your browser history and no cookies are being saved. If you're a Firefox user you can do the same thing by going to Tools and hitting "Start Private Browsing."

Just like a condom this makes cheating online safer but not idiot proof. If your husband/wife is a real techie or insanely paranoid they can use a keystroke logger on your computer to see everything you're typing even if you use this method. If you're in an incredibly paranoid mood don't use your computer. Use one at a public library or an electronics store where you know they have internet access.

I'm not that insane as my wife couldn't figure out a keystroke logger but you should know.

The easiest mistake you can make is using the wrong browser. It's easy to type in Craigslist when you're using your regular browser. Be very careful. The last thing you want is your wife finding your "other" Facebook account.