Where, Oh Where to Have an Affair?

I feel like rhyming today. I'd also like to discuss the best location to have an affair. Remember, every detail of your affair has to be taken care of or you'll get caught. If you don't care about getting caught then just bone the chick in front of your wife, try to arrange a three-way. But for the rest of us...

Hotel: Let's start with the classic. I don't know about you but I've yet to register at a hotel that doesn't as for a credit card for "incidentals" or require some kind of photo ID. Sure, you might want to treat your lady to a class night out but it's going to be tough to explain this to your wife. If you're out of town anyway then this is ideal. Hotels are anonymous, no one cares who's coming and going.

Cheap Motel: Cheap motels just aren't as cheap as they used to be. Unless you're looking to score some crystal you should be a little bit more careful where you plop down your fifty bucks. These guys are more likely to take cash and not care who you are but you still have to be somewhat picky. Also your broad (or dude) may not like going to such a crappy place.

The Office: Step into my office and shut the door behind you. Bow chicka bow wow. This obviously goes for boning ladies at work (for a later post) but you're very likely to get caught. Very very likely. Unless you have lots of overlap in your work/real life friends this will probably never get back to your other. Work people generally accept that you have a work life and a home life and they don't need to overlap. That said, there could always be some jerk who makes it their business to screw you over.

Their House: If they're single, this is an easy one. This is especially true if they don't have a roommate. Go over and bone away. The neighbors might get annoyed at all the noise you're making but unless you get busted by the cops this is a no-lose. The only thing to watch out for is if she starts to get the wrong idea. If you start spending nights, you start leaving crap over there she might start to think you're in a real relationship. Then she might take it in her own hands to alert the wife... danger. If they're married than you're running into the same dangers as if they come to your place but the risk is on them, not you.

A Friend's Place: Sure, if you've got a friend who really doesn't give a crap about you cheating. Personally I don't let my friends know about any of this because they like my wife. If I had any "dude friends" who didn't like her at all or were cheaters themselves I might take them up on using their place but it's risky and tough to pull off.

A Secret Apartment You Only Use for Having an Affair: Who has this kind of money? If you're this rich than how about letting me use your place when you're not? C'mon, we can be buddies.

Your Place: This is the last choice. The absolute final and last choice. Nothing good can come of this (except for the sex). Your partner in cheating will want to snoop, they might see photos of you smiling with your kids and they might leave evidence. Heck, your neighbors might see them coming/going and tell your spouse. You know the cliche about the husband coming home from work early to find his wife in bed with the milkman? It's a cliche for a reason.


So each place has their pluses/minuses. Their place, if they're single, is the best choice. If they're married you can still use their place, just know the risk is on them. The times I've hooked up with other girls have been at their place. One was married and one was not. We weren't having long-term affairs but it worked out well.

The Simplest Mistake You Can Make When Having an Affair Online

It'd be easy to make this mistake as I almost just made it myself: copying/pasting something incriminating and leaving it to be pasted again. 

Example?

I'm copying the line, "My wife is a horrible bitch, I want to bang another girl on her robe." From one e-mail to a hot chick to an e-mail to a less hot chick. I copy/paste and close my computer. My wife uses the computer an hour later and thinks she's pasting something into another e-mail to her boss and that line pops up. Oops. 

Solution: After you copy/paste anything incriminating just select something simple like a period or the word "the" and copy that. 

If you find this site because you're looking to cheat on your husband

And you live in Los Angeles (and you're not completely ugly or old) send me an e-mail at: sneakyhusband@gmail.com

It'd be real fun to sleep with someone I meet because of this site.

The Onion Knows All About your Sad Attempts at Having an Affair

http://www.theonion.com/articles/wife-unfazed-by-husbands-sad-emails-to-other-women,26730/

It's funny because it's true.

Tools for Having an Affair: Encrypted Mode on your Browser

I'm a big fan of the internet. While I can't use dating sites to conduct my affairs there's always Craigslist, internet forums and Facebook to find potential ladies. I'll go into e-mail addresses and how to use Facebook without getting caught in a future post but for now, let's just stick with the basics... not letting your wife/husband find out about the fact that you're visiting these sites in the first place.

If you're using Google Chrome (like me) then click on the wrench on the top right of your screen and chose "New Incognito Window." Boom, you're no longer recording your browser history and no cookies are being saved. If you're a Firefox user you can do the same thing by going to Tools and hitting "Start Private Browsing."

Just like a condom this makes cheating online safer but not idiot proof. If your husband/wife is a real techie or insanely paranoid they can use a keystroke logger on your computer to see everything you're typing even if you use this method. If you're in an incredibly paranoid mood don't use your computer. Use one at a public library or an electronics store where you know they have internet access.

I'm not that insane as my wife couldn't figure out a keystroke logger but you should know.

The easiest mistake you can make is using the wrong browser. It's easy to type in Craigslist when you're using your regular browser. Be very careful. The last thing you want is your wife finding your "other" Facebook account.

Where all the white women at?

Seriously, where are the women who want to sleep with me? It's so quiet around here. I need some fresh meat.

I'm not about to sign up for a dating site because that's just dumb. I have enough single friends that someone's going to spot me and the odds of them just fucking me instead of turning me in are low. So what's a boy to do?

I'm working on a project that might send me out of town for a couple months. That'd be my dream. I don't fool myself into thinking I'll be banging a new chick every night. I remember college, it was a lot less frequent than that. I just hope it happens for the freedom to try.

The Date that Was Not

That was fucking disappointing. Let's start at the beginning.

I've been flirting with this girl for months. She's a bored housewife, I'm always bored and we flirt back and forth. I do most of the flirting but there ain't no way she didn't know I wanted to bone her. We made a date a few weeks ago and had to break it off, she seemed disappointed. So when I finally get her to agree to meet me for lunch (at a place near her house) I knew I should pack my condom.

WRONG

We had lunch, chatted. She kept asking about my wife, big red flag there. She's mention our families hanging out together, red flag number two. Then when we're done she says she's going home. I say, "I'll come with you." She agrees! Finally, I'm back in plus territory here. At her place, she shows me her bedroom, we kiss...

No that doesn't happen. She gives me a tour and then pretty much waits for me to leave. Wouldn't get close enough for me to even try anything, just in case there was a shot. So I wasted an afternoon, a few lies I had to tell my wife and a few bucks on lunch for nothing. She wasn't even a good cock tease, she acted like we were two friends who had lunch together all the fucking time.

I figure there are two options here: the generous one is that she wanted my junk but was terrified of being caught or thought she couldn't go through with it after all these months of flirting. I think this is BS because she never would have invited me back to her house. We all know what happens there. No, I think the answer was that she's just a fucking idiot who thinks I flirt with her and talk about hooking up with her as a joke and we should really totally be BFFs.

Fuck that shit. I'm going to jerk off now.

Asians Have it Right!

Koreans know how to have a marriage. The husband is allowed to cheat and have a mistress. The wife knows this has nothing to do with their relationships.

These people have long, happy marriages because they know that sex and a close loving relationship aren't always going to overlap. They go so far as to allow the man's mistress to be known publicly.

As an American I don't get to go that far but I'm advanced enough to know that a man's dick doesn't need to stay in one person to make for a happy relationship. NO man wants this. At least the Koreans (and other Asians) have gotten the message.

Why did I marry a normal white girl?

Tools of the Trade: The Disposable Cell Phone

What a world we live in. I can run out to the local 7-11 with a few bucks and buy a crappy cell phone and have my own number no one will ever know about. Drug dealers have used this for years and I encourage anyone trying to cheat to run out and buy one.

Now, don't be an idiot and keep it in your pocket with the ringer on. Put it somewhere less than obvious. In the garage, in the trunk of your car, leave it in a desk in your office. The last one is the best because you can still charge it when you need it.

These phone numbers are perfect to give out to women you meet in bars, to hookers who need to call you back to verify your identity and anyone else you want to communicate with on the sly.

Some of these phones even allow texting. Hello sexting!

Just be sure to keep buying refills and keep this all away from your wife. If she finds it, just say you found it and are going to sell it on ebay. Then do it! Sell that shit. Losing some phone numbers and a few booty calls is worth it if you want to stay married.

And if you don't, use the phone to call a divorce lawyer.

Making Plans

Next Wednesday I'm going to get laid.  Well, that's the plan.  I'm meeting up with this chick I met through work a few years ago.  We chat online, I flirt, she accepts it.  She's married but bored as fuck.  Her husband leaves her while he goes to work all day.  I'll be sneaking in mid-afternoon for a bone session.  Or at least I'd better be.

She's not that attractive but she's got a decent body.  Fuck, I'd probably bang her if she was a fatty.  But she's not.  Much better body than my wife.  I'm pretty obvious with her that I'm interested in fucking but she just kinda half responds.  If she's going to cock tease me I might just whip it out and jizz on her face.

Ladies, there's no need to be a cocktease.  I'll report back Wednsday night about the boning or lack thereof.

What am I going to tell my wife?  Well, I planned it when she's most busy at work so hopefully there will be few e-mails and calls but I'm going golfing.  Yup, fucking golfing.  Gone for hours, I come back sweaty and there's no problems.

Let's do this!

Making Plans...

I finally have a little free time.  Finally.  My wife is gone all day, my kid is happy as a turd at school and I'm home alone.  I love this shit.  I wear my boxers all day, I jack off while laying out of the sofa.  What could make this better?  Right, pussy.

So I'm trying to set up "coffee" dates with a few choice ladies who've been winking their eyes at me for years.  A couple are bound to think I mean coffee, at least one has got to have a place in her pants for me.  Right?

I'll report back my successes or not.  No photos.  Faces don't count, only getting away with things.  Let's just say the most likely to bone me is the least attractive.  Shocking, I know.

It's been too long.

I haven't updated this blog in forever.  I'd say that I was disappointing my loyal readers but I'm really not.  No one reads this shit.  Why should you?  It's a guy who's sole goal is to cheat on his wife.

Well, I'm working now.  I like working because if I'm home a little late or if I'm not able to answer my phone for a couple hours during the day.  Problem is, there are no (and I mean no) potential girls to bang in my office.  It's all dudes and 50 year old married chicks.  If I'm going to risk my marriage I don't want to do it for a stale piece of ass.

I'm looking at a few weeks of unemployment in the next few months.  I've got a few housewives that are begging for my junk, I might just let them have it.  Alright, maybe not begging but a couple are asking quite nicely.

On a related note, fuck newly married chicks.  They think they're special and don't need my cock because they are getting it on the regular back at home.  Give them a couple years and they'll be fucking around like the rest of us.